多谢，C公公～

明天回到同样熟悉的病床， 或许却不会休息着同样的公公了吧。上个星期五我抚摸着他的手，安静地在心中和他告别时，我祝福他一路好走， 不要不舍得。我呢， 望了婆婆一眼后转身却忍不住哭了。我走进了房间一边为公公祈祷，一边眼泪不由自己地落下。

说真的， 我以为我会勇敢， 我以为我不会哭。那天早上公公不好的时候，我用被掸盖上他冰冷的双手， 和他说：“不要怕， 医生来看你了”。他那时还醒着， 我看到了他脸上的害怕和他内心的不安。公公也许已经知道他的状况不乐观了吧。

刚过的星期二， 公公在我带他走路过后， 比往常安静， 好像在想东西，也频频地感谢我。那时我有种不祥的预感， 我却也不敢多想。 婆婆过后的两天埋怨公公不吃她煮的汤， 而且又难伺候。我在想公公是不是不想婆婆不舍所以故意对她诸多挑剔。隔天的星期五， 公公就不行了。

和公公和婆婆相处了有五个星期之多，我好像把他们当成是我的公公婆婆了吧。曾几何时， 我如此身陷在他们的生活里， 也许已经超过了治疗师与病人的所谓的范围吧。所以当婆婆自己和我说：“C爸爸不行了， 他应该过不了这关， 他会舍不得你们的”， 就在那时我开始泪泛眼眶， 我甚至不多想地抱了婆婆一下， 就赶紧一边逝掉眼泪走开。 我怕我再不走我会泪洒当下。

就算事隔几天， 我如今一边写着， 还是一边哭着。我想到他开心的拿着我买给他的绒毛锤子轻拍着他痛着的胸口旁，一边说感觉好多的时候，感到一阵欣慰和心酸。又想到他当时兴奋地把他的communicator 放进我送他的黑袋子时， 我感到心在颤动。也许我不该太过投入吧。所以现在竟会那么伤。

C公公， 如果您在天之灵，保佑婆婆身体健康， 保佑她不要那么卦念您。多谢您让我在您人生的最后一段旅程中和您相伴。谢谢您的信任和疼惜。谢谢您的坚持和努力。最后谢谢您在我的人生当中出现， 让我看到了您和婆婆之间深切的爱情， 也让我感受到您的关怀。

多谢您， 公公。 真的。真的。

永远的向日葵

他走了。我早到医院想帮他剪好向日葵。还来不及剪，他就离开了。昨天他说他要死了。我却说“谁说你要死了”。将来若再有人和我说同样一句话，我会说你还有什么事情需要我帮你完成的吗？

昨日旁晚五点多的那一刹那，在床上的Mr T 的笑容，犹如花朵一样绽放，就好像看到了天使一般。是回光返照吧。当时，他吵着要坐出来，我帮他身体上半身放高，他双脚肿胀，我把双脚放在枕头上。然后就在写notes的时候，在那瞬间，我朝他看的时候， 他对我笑了两下。我就有种预感他也许过不了今晚了。

今早的五点左右，Mr T 他离开了人世。应该到了一个更美好的地方，一个没有病痛，只有欢乐的地方吧。我也许不会忘了那时他的笑容，因为带有一点辛酸，却又有点欢慰的感觉。或许刹那间，他看开了。

刚刚我踏进Mr T 的房间看了他一眼。他的脸上是有点痛苦的。我不知道在他灵终的时候想的是什么。至少他不用在痛苦下去。又或许时间够了就好。不必挣扎，不必害怕，就自然得让自己飘上去。不带着任何牵挂，任何包袱，安静的离开吧。

我差一点想把送给Mr T 的向日葵拿回来照顾。可是我决定把他留在床边，也许他的家人会决定和他一起送上天堂。我呢，在花店买了多一朵向日葵，放在医院，就当是纪念他。

谢谢您的陪伴，也感谢您的勇敢，让我更珍惜生命。

Mr T, 祝福您.

A Tribute to me bunny, Snowball~~

Snowball was adopted about 6 yrs ago. She was white at first, before she started to grow brown streaks on her body. She passed away last Sun in the wee hours of the morning. No one saw her go. She had vomitted some fluid I think, I saw some stains on the newspaper. I hope she was not in much pain. Her body was rigid and her ears so cold when I found her lying in the cage. I bathed her and made her as clean as I could possibly could because when she was alive and very ill, I just did not know how to clean her. It was so difficult because she was paralyzed and I think had urinary incontinence. I dried her fur with the hair dryer and placed her in the brown paper box lined with newspaper and padding.

I wondered how she felt at the moment she knew she was going. I figure that animals are the same as humans. I did not spend much time with Snowball on the night she passed away. I thought I bid my farewell the next day but I never got the chance. The last time I really spoke to her was on Sat morning before work. I told her we were going to put her to sleep on Sun. I guessed she knew. She knew that I did not want to put her to sleep as much as I do not wish to see her suffer in pain. I think she left timely so I would not have to make the difficult decision. To me, it was ending a life. Who am I to end a bunny's life?

Dear Snowball,

I'm sorry that I have not been the best owner I could to you. I knew nothing about proper bunny diets and knew nothing except to change your bedding. I never toilet trained you but you were mostly obedient. When I let you run around the back, you loved the dark corners of the room.

Thank you for being with us for the past 6 years. Just like I never knew I would miss having you at the back of the house, I never knew I would cry when you go off to the end of the rainbow.

I hope you will be happy wherever you are.

Luv and Hugs,
Your lousy owner
Sin Yi

OMG!

Dear dear me..haven been very active on me blog ya?...time flies....has been almost 1 year past my California fitness expiry date...me realli regret to say that I have gained back about 5 kg...about 58-59kg now...hee=)...can't help but snack...so stress sometimes...chocolates, pastries, cakes....ahhhh!!!! but still jogging, swimming, gyming...just maybe not as much..it's realli 60% diet and 40% exercise, pple=p...never mind...me will jia you k? you guys keeo a closer watch on me k?

and yup, going to US for conference in July, coming back mid august, catching Kit Chan's December Rain...then busy with WCPT bid if we get thru the first round, then PT day!...neverending..then it's GRM team all the way!...and year end party once again...can time never hold still for us? So we can slowly enjoy each moment before it slips past us again?

then, would I ever have time for other things like maybe someone else important...I tot I found him, but sometimes I wonder if he has found me so I'm once again not too sure...sigh~~why are people so difficult to read sometimes? It's just that maybe I would never feel like this again with anybody else...sounds serious right pple? I think so too...maybe me am too serious for my own good...caught this song on radio one day by 黄小琥，"伴“ Me realli like the lyrics, so pls enjoy...

伴

作詞：姚若龍
作曲：于曉光、李偉菘
編曲：Terence Teo

如果 命運可以訂做
如果 有另一次選擇
我想我 還是會 把手讓你緊握
快樂地陪你去坎坷

就算 你有天變落魄
就算 你老得不能動
我想我 還是會 挽著你看日落
你的心疼在淚光中

嘴巴上 彼此嫌麻煩
眼神中 關懷那麼滿
沒說愛 卻早已認定一輩子的伴

在人前 從來不浪漫
在心中 卻總為對方打算
最懂的人最暖的伴

就算 我以後變囉嗦
就算 我老了有病痛
我想你 還是會 照顧我到最後
隱藏脆弱不眠不休

沒有辛酸 沒有遺憾
什麼是陪伴 什麼是心安 你是答案

***************************

很喜欢这首歌，原来“一人一半”大概就是这样吧。

It's been baking time~~

I have been baking quite a bit for a while...from pies to bread to cakes to muffins...haha++...think me should just start a bakery and maybe I may turn fat again...maybe me should choose another hobby...=P

So, I have been working to make my bread and pastries low fat even though there are certain desserts that really taste better with butter such as pies.

First project: blueberry pie...After my first pie, I made another 2 appie pies and another blueberry pie...I flipped through books in kinokuniya, and figured out the composition of butter and shortening and came up with my modified recipe. Shall put it up here on my blog...hee....

2nd project: Banana and raisin tea bread
Replaced butter with applesauce with a totally fat free treat!! I also added pumpkin seeds to the mixture to give it a crunchy nutty taste=) I mashed one more banana into the mixture, and I loved the moisture of the bread...yummy~~

3rd project: Sundried tomatoes,potato and olive bread
This bread had a chewy and moist texture...either my bread did not rise well or it is due to the potato in the mixture....it tasted well with some tuna and lettuce too...

4th project: lemon yogurt cake
I made 2 lemon yogurt cakes and 1 orange yogurt cake....I think it is the way I whisked the mixture or the amt of ingredients I added at a time, that made my yogurt cake a flattened texture and tasted like "kueh", my colleagues ate it anyway and gave me their suggestions...but my yogurt cakes after my first still tasted like "kueh" so I decided that, enough of yogurt cakes for a while and back to the basics....SPONGE CAKE

5th project: simple sponge cake (3x)
with low fat, about 20g of butter used only and yet the cake was fluffy but a little dry when cooled. Did it twice..had to make sure not to flatten the batter too much if not it will not rise as well.

6th project: my first cake: mango and peach yogurt sponge cake
Did my first cake deco...looks terrible but I love the fresh mango and yogurt combination...I felt so bad to throw away some of the whipped cream that tasted so fruity...hee..and the roasted almonds at the side...yummy~~....didn't get a chance to taste my cake though...was for Ms Gan's b'day....

7th project: Oatmal Applesauce Cookies
Completely fat free, replaced it completely with applesauce, but it became rock hard!! Oh me gosh!!...tink I will cut down on the sugar next time...~~

Haven written in a while~~

Gosh, it's been almost 2 months since I blogged....hope everyone takes good care of themselves in the midst of the flu crisis...exercise, keep fit and stay happy, pple!!

I remember me last post online about a guy I have met...I figured out that maybe a do like him a little but he is probably not suitable for me in the long run. We have different values and goals in life...and I guess that is very crucial...hmm...so me gave it many many tots for these few months, he probably can be a good friend and we can always help each other out in many other ways...but well, we will both be good this way, i think..=)

so happy that me finally got everything sorted out so I'm looking for someone who share similar values with me...=)...no longer feel confused...maybe there is realli someone on the way liaoz...

everyone, all the way!!

人生与死亡

今天，选择一个人去看了《入殓师》。很感动，是一部大家该看的电影。09年奥斯卡最佳外语片，如果我没记错的话。最近，我都在看有关生与死的书，我同事问我为什么。也许是在加护病房做了六个月的关系，我开始反省自己的人生，也开始想要更了解生死吧。

我妈问我电影可怕吗？我说不可怕，我已经不怕死亡了。假如我现在就死去，我也应该无怨无悔吧。或许我说得太干脆了。也许当我真正接近死亡的那一刻，我会畏缩。我希望我会勇敢，在面临死亡时，因为电影里有一句话：“死亡是一个门/gateway". 所以大家都会再一次相见，只不过在另一个空间。又或者像我一个朋友说过离开世间的宠物会在彩虹下与你团聚，我们人死后也会在彩虹之下相遇吧。这样想，死亡是每个人都得经历过的，我们呱呱坠地的时候，就已经慢慢的步入死亡，不是吗？所以死亡是普通的，没什么可怕。只不过每个人几时死，怎佯死，为什么死都不一样，因为每一个人的“生老病死”都该是不一样的，因为没有人可以取代任何人。每个人都是特殊的，对吧。

上个礼拜，有位在ICU的病人突然走了。我还记得前一天看他的时候，他精神不错，还可以拼命把自己拉上坐的姿势。我看了他至少也有八到十次。我还唱过歌给他听，他喜欢费玉清，周旋，我只会唱邓丽君的歌。虽然他走了，可是他奋斗过，他真的真得很努力地抗斗。那天我本来想见他最后一面，可是我没胆问他的家人。我只能说我一直会记得他的脸，而他的勇敢我永远会铭记在心。

“Uncle，我们后会有期啦”。